Some people pop Valium. Others down their Scotch. Me? I discovered today that my go-to relaxer is a juicy, greasy burger.
I thought I had gotten past this point in food rehab – brutalizing my body with food because I can’t control the real thing causing the problem.
Twice this week I was ready to binge on donuts – a whole box of them – simply because I was a little stressed about an upcoming event.
(Which went off without a hitch!)
Six months ago I would have done it, thinking nothing of it, but because I have chosen food rehab instead of dieting, I am learning to recognize triggers and how I have really been dealing with stress all these years so I can change my behavior, not put a bandaid on what’s been clearly broken all these years.
I thought I was very good at managing how I dealt with stress. In actual fact, what I have been very good at is stuffing myself with food.
Twice this week, I tried something new to break that cycle. It took a super conscious decision to agree to BE different. I said out loud to myself in the car (during the ‘donut crazy girl’ moment) “Love the body. FEED the body if it’s hungry, but make it count. LOVE the body, not punish it. The body has done nothing wrong.” (I say it like a petulant child with a French accent…I don’t know why. I think I like the whiney-ness to it.)
Those two times it worked. I made better breakfast choices that made my body and my conscience happy.
But speaking of triggers…
There was a shooting on the street of my business today. It was a sad event and I don’t have all the details…but what I do know was that when my spa manager called this morning to say there a shootout on our street, all I could think (after making sure she was ok) was, “Crap! I have 7 clients coming in today! How can this be happening in our cozy little neighborhood?! What am I going to do?! How are people going to feel coming here now?!” Mayday! Mayday!
Then I received a report that it was over.
Figuring it would all be worked out and cleaned up by the time I had to go in for appointments, I went to see my trainer. Like an alcoholic calls their sponsor, I went to spin class to free up some of the emotional wreckage.
I know I wiped away more tears than sweat this morning but it was worth every agonizing pedal stroke. I cried because I was stressed out. I cried because I was proud of myself for making a healthy choice to relinquish the stress.
Then I left class and reality struck once more. I was told the situation was still very active – not what I had been led to believe in the hour prior.
I was on the way to a friend’s house for a brief appointment and all I could think was how great a big, juicy cheeseburger sounded. Then I thought, “Have I learned nothing from blogging to you, Dear Reader?”
It was all I could think about…how good it would taste and how much better I would feel emotionally. A brief “AH HA” flashed through my mind – my discovery of how I had “allowed” myself to gain 60 pounds over the last 8 years. But the ah ha didn’t last long…I just kept chanting over and over that only the cheeseburger could stop the pain.
As I was leaving Beth’s house, I mentioned where I was off to next. She called out to me, “Don’t do it! You have worked too hard!”
And in that moment, the truth stared me in the face. I knew I had to honor the body. Love the body. Feed the body if I must, but make it worth it.
Sometimes the world just hypnotizes me…
I have worked hard for it. See…The belly button isn’t frowning anymore!
I can’t let my readers down…not even for some dumbass with a gun.
“Wear your kevlar to work day” ended up working itself out. I got to see all my clients, whom were very understanding and concerned for us.
It also gave us an opportunity to remind people that we do offer mobile services too! I survived the day without a cheeseburger crutch.
…”and I just love your flashy ways…”